Returning Home

a Reflection

This essay is written in desperation to find healing from grief. A grief that can only be temporarily consoled. I am in a time of spiritual exploration, so which church I will end up? I do not know. All I care is that I end up in Christ’s arms. When I was a little girl, I grew up in a small Catholic Church in a suburb near New Orleans. I was in the children’s choir and was an altar server, so I have to admit the Catholic Church feels like home.

My dad prayed for me all the years since the day I turned away from the church. Not just the church, but everything dealing with the Christian religion. The bickering between the denominations is nauseating. At times it seems like it is more than bickering but hatred which is not Christlike at all. Also, I did not truly understand the mysteries of Jesus Christ. How can a man heal another and calm the seas with just his voice?

During times of sickness, I would shake my fists at God, so I never denied God’s existence. My eyes were just blinded from spiritual knowledge. There was an intense moment that will stay with me forever. One morning as I stretched, a most piercing pain came from my abdomen. If y’all do not know. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease many years ago, so stomach pains are common. This pain, however, was the most intense pain I have ever felt. No one nearby was available to bring me to the ER. My parents were an hour away, I called them, but I had to call the ambulance since I was in no shape to drive myself.

Once my parents met me in the ER room, my dad saw me screaming in pain. All those years suffering from pain, I was able to deal with the pain silently, but this time was different. My dad took my hand, and started praying. I hated every second of it. I wanted him to stop, but I was too weak to protest. I knew at that moment, God was letting me feel that pain for a reason. I had to suffer that pain.

Back to my grief. My dad passed away 10 years ago. He was not able to witness my returning to Christ. For some reason this pains me every day since I wish to tell him and comfort him. Saying that his prayers have been answered, and that his faith in God has made an impact on my own faith. He laid a foundation for me, but I refused to build anything on it. Now that I am starting to build. He cannot see any of it. However, on I will continue to build. I hope what I build, resembles Christ.

Thank you all for reading. Have a blessed day.